How often have you said something without any ill intentions and yet someone was hurt or offended by your words?

Misunderstandings happen more often than we’d like to admit especially during phone conversations, or when written messages are exchanged. The reason is that when you’re on the phone or when you write a note, there’s no body language or any facial expressions for the other person to perceive and feel what you’re saying. The only thing that comes across in both cases is the ‘tone’ of your voice or the ‘tone’ of your written message.

For example, during a phone conversation, if you’re loud and have a more aggressive or irritated tone in your voice, the person on the other end feels intimidated, disrespected or equally irritated by you, depending on what the conversation is about. In the case of a written message, if the words in your note sound bossy, insensitive, or come across as having an ‘attitude’ or as if you’re pointing a finger to the other person, your communication ends up being ineffective because either the other person automatically shuts down, or he or she feels the need to defend himself or herself. You then end up in a battle of who said what instead of solving the issue at hand.

You see, it’s not WHAT you say that matters, but HOW you say it. As the late Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” That’s exactly the case here.

When you talk with someone and your voice conveys a rude or condescending tone over the phone, or if you write a message that has an “attitude,” in both cases, your message is lost and feelings of anger and frustration take over by the person on the receiving end.

If you are talking to someone over the phone, watch yourself and see if you have a frown on your face or if you sound upset or angry. You can change your voice to by putting a smile on your face. As simple as that! Try it. Look at yourself in a mirror as you speak and start smiling. Automatically your tone sounds more pleasant and calm.

On the other hand, when you’re communicating in writing, read the words you’re using, and analyze the ‘tone’ of your message. Are you friendly or argumentative? Are you understanding or pointing a finger? It’s best to write your message, let it sit for a few minutes, and then come back to reread it more objectively. How do your words make you feel when you read them? If you get a sense of discomfort, then change your words because if you can feel that, so will the person reading your message.

So next time you are about to jump on the phone or write a message, think first about what your intentions are and what you want to get out of this communication, and remember it’s not what you say, but how you say I that’s important.